Today, I dealt with a bit of anger that arise in my chest. He called to discuss things that are important for the coming school year. Yet, the thought popped into my head, "see how simple this is?  Why was this do hard before? Why couldn't you just do this? It would have saved so much bullshit."

Instead, I answered the necessary questions, supplied the needed info then hung up. What could have been simple for years was made so difficult because of silliness. 

I guess it is what it is and was what it was. 

I am in a very serene but emit so place this morning. Feeling on the verge of tears but good ones. 

For a long time, I cut myself off from my base of love and support, out of fear, out of embarrassment. 

I am surrounded by love. Supported by grace. 

I am in a very serene but emit so place this morning. Feeling on the verge of tears but good ones. 

For a long time, I cut myself off from my base of love and support, out of fear, out of embarrassment. 

I am surrounded by love. Supported by grace. 

The Story of Us

While traveling through life, we each create our own stories.  We tell these to ourselves and others.  In these stories, we case ourselves as the victim, hero or heroine, the jester, wherever we see ourselves at the time.  When involving others in our lives and ulitmately in our stories, we have a tendency to get wrapped up in the events of the moment and easily lose ourselves.

I was speaking to a dear friend of mine, one who I love dearly but with whom I don't get a chance to speak with regularly, the story of life, work, errands, etc. that wraps us up in day to day life and she said something so profound, Something that I think I've known but I've allowed myself to forget overthe years  and through the course of happenings.  She says, "you wanted the baby more than the man."  Now, in the beginning, I did want the man.  I adored him but, once I truly saw the man, once I heard the things that came from his mouth, the way we truly interacted, I saw that which I did not want.  I no longer wanted him.  I admittedly rushed into this situation.  I was so caught up in my story, at the time, I allowed the words of others to dictate my life.  By the time I truly saw what I was a part of, my child was already on her way.  I allowed fear, and prodding of certain family members, to convince me to stay, to try and try and try.  But I knew, early on that he was not for me. He said the things I wanted to hear.  Things I'd never heard from anyone before so, I convinced myself it had to be good and true and real.   I began to live the story rather than the truth.  I allowed the story and fear of being alone, of being a statistic, another, single, black mother, (and fat on top of all of that) to lead my thoughts and eventually my feelings.  But truth and sincerity say and said over and over, this is not it.  HE is not the ONE.

I wanted him to be.  When he was kind and loving, he was absolutely awesome.  He would say the most beautiful things to me, look at me with such love and intensity and make love with me like no one ever before.  There was a time when I felt so safe with him. But those moments of disagreement, of a clash of thoughts were horrid.  They would last for days and weeks.  The criticism, the nitpicking, the lying, the cheating, the words, the words! The disappearances, the not knowing and uncertainty, it was all too much for me.  I knew and know that I am a better person without him.  I feel better about myself.  I feel like me, something I've never felt in his presence.  I don't feel guarded or as though I have to watch everything that comes out of my mouth.

In short, I allowed fear, fear of being alone with a child to dictate my actions.  It lead me to anger, upset and admittedly, desparation, almost anything to maintain the image of my life I held in my
head.  The story we create can be a very dangerous thing.  I decided to just let go.  I am living in my truth as best I can.  Does that mean I will not get sad or upset at times? No  Does it mean I will not have all the feelings we as humans can experience?  Of course not.  It does mean that I will stay true to myself and react to things accordingly, as only I can.  I will take the time to process my thoughts and emotions and operate out of a place of self truth and universal love.  It means that the old me, that other portion of me must learn to release and let go.  She cant get caught up in the thought, it the story of us but live in the reality, and accept what life is giving me.  This is the only way that I can live and the only way I intend to live.

Speaking to a friend today, she said something that fit perfectly into my train of thought but which for some reason I have not identified. She told me, "I believe you have been traumatized". I'd never thought of it that way but, she was spot on. This entire situation has traumatized me. Over the years, I've been in a state of confusion and recovery as I've tried to make sense of this situation then emotionally be pulled right back to the beginning. Mentally, emotionally and physically, I've been assaulted, attacked then been accused of causing the issues. I've been a wounded soul trying to understand and move on. The things I feared most in life, came true. But despite all of that, I am for the most part, ok. I have survived intact and mostly sane. 

Instead of rehashing and reliving, I want to transcend this occurrence. Move past this portion of my life. Five years have passed since the first time I was thrown into confusion. It's time this portion of my life is laid to rest. I know the reason this had dragged out for so long is because I allowed it to. Instead of being strong, I allowed myself to believe I couldn't do this on my own. I allowed myself to believe I couldn't care for my child. I didn't want to be a single parent and honestly, I held out hope for change. I know that always in the back of my head was the idea that there was hope, that there was a chance. That something along the lines of love still existed. Why I thought this, I am not sure. Probably because the entire situation never made sense to begin with. 

Today I read, "sometimes, you don't get answers, you didn't get reasons and you don't get closure". That's a hard pill to stomach but I guess, it is what it is. I lived for a long time out of a place of fear. Fear kept me contained. Fear of upset, fear of anger, fear of rage, fear of being hurt, fear of abandonment. This dictated my life. It kept me quiet when I should have stood up for my self. It made me angry and lash out after years of being hurt. It made me do and say things I would have never imagined myself doing and saying. It took me out of my element. And now, I consciously lay this to rest. I say good bye. I make peace with this portion of my story and I move on. I have lived it. I have experienced it but I will not allow this to define me. I will not make this the story of my life. I will move past this hurt and live the life I want to live. 

Real healing can only begin when you live in truth. When you fully recognize and acknowledge what has happened and how it has affected you. Because of embarrassment, I have not always lived my truth. In desperation I have not always spoken truth. I forgive myself and I forgive you for all that we have done to one another. I forgive you for all of the things said in anger. I forgive you for all of the hurt I felt at your hands, by your tongue, at your absence. I forgive myself for any and all mistakes I have made in the name of "love" done out of fear. 

I forgive. I let go. I leave it behind. It no longer serves me. It no longer allows me to live as my higher self. It brings detriment to my life. 

As I heal, I ask to be surrounded by light, by love, by understanding, and forgiveness. I ask to remember to operate from a place of true love and wholeness as I move forward towards the person I want to be. 

Reasonings

I began a new blog, a year in healing. 

I will write the things I think. I'm hoping this will help me deal with my issues on a different level. 

There are changes coming for which I am not emotionally prepared. 

I never received closure in my past relationship. Many questions I asked were met with, "I don't know" as an answer.  But, I cannot stay stuck. I also do not want to continuously relive this past. 

I am hoping this will help me move on. Will help me move past what happened. 

I'm tired of being treated as though I am this horrible controlling ego maniac when I know that is not the truth about me. I spent a long time trying to convince him that those things were not true. I spent so much of my energy and my time trying to convince him that I wasn't the person he said I was but each time I tried, he would find something new wrong with me.  He would bring up some new reason why I wasn't deserving of his love. 

First, it was because he had to work to provide for our family. He had to save money to make sure we had enough. Then it was because I said something under my breath (which I did not say). Then it was because I wasn't working, he needed to work and sleep because we needed money and security. Then it was because the baby cried a lot and he needed to rest. Then it was a blog post I wrote. Then it was a relationship book he found which I bought. Then I was in love with another man and used him for a baby. Then he was unsure because of something I said. Then it was because I'd never loved him. Then it was because I was angry and hurt then it was because I was a control freak and arrogant.  Through all of this back and forth, whenever I've pulled away and began to feel better about myself. When I've come to a place where I felt ok to move on, he would jump back up, I love you. I need you. I want you. I need you in my life. I want to be with you. I care for you. 

I was so desperate at one time. I did all kinds of things to try to make him happy. To try to fix something I never understood I had done wrong. I just wanted the love and the family he promised me. I didn't want to be a single parent. And I tried as hard as I could to make everything ok. None of this worked or was good enough for him. Whenever I cleared up one issue or tried my best to show him that what he thought wasn't true, something else would pop up. Something that I yet again just didn't understand. Something that I couldn't fix. 

I always felt as though I were an after thought to him. Other people seemed to be more important to him than me and our child. He abandoned us emotionally and physically then tried to place the blame on me. He behaved as though I'd done something to him. I felt so lost and confused and desperate. I cried most of the time. I had no idea what to think. I felt like I was insane. I tried so hard to get back to the way things used to be with us. During the time when he adored me and thought I was so great. I couldn't understand what I'd done. How could my behavior had been so bad that he would just up and leave? That he would just take away the love that he promised me. 

I never had a relationship like this.  You do not make me a part of your life.  I haven't met your friends.  I haven't met your family.  I've been to your home once.  You show up.  You are around and then you go away.  I have no idea what this means.  I feel stupid for making the decisions I've made.  I feel like an idiot.  I know this is a mistake but, I'm not certain what to do about this.

I am pregnant.  I can't believe that I did this.  You told me you were ready for a family.  For a child.  For commitment, for a life together.  When I tell you we should wait, we should take time to continue getting to know one another you tell me, "you play games.  You say you are ready for a child and a family but you are not.  I want my first child by next year.  I am ready to be a father".  

I allow the excitement of a child to get the better of me and I consent.  I go along with what you've asked because I want a child.  I want a family.  I want a relationship.  I want a commitment and you've promised all of this to me.

But now, I am pregnant.  I am 15 weeks along and laying on my bed, alone.  I have been alone all of this week.  I am too embarrassed to let anyone I know know about this.  I am shameful of the fact that I've waited until I am thirty years old to make a stupid life mistake.  So, I sit alone, sad while everyone I know probably thinks we are off somewhere being madly in love.

I tell you.  I need you to be around more often.  We are having a baby.  We planned this baby but I'm by myself all of the time. I don't feel as though you are part of my life.  I don't feel as though I am part of your life.  Your response to me is, "don't worry.  I'll be around more after the baby is born.  I'll be there for you and for the baby."  I remind you that this is five months in the making.  "Are you asking me to wait five months for you to become involved in my life?  Why did you want to have a child with me?  Do you want to be with me?  Do you want this baby?" You respond. "Why are you saying that?  Did I say that?  Did I say that to you?" I say, "what do you think that says to me?  You want me to wait until after the baby is born?" You reiterate, "I will be there for you and the baby after the baby is born."  I sit and cry.  I wonder why I made this decision.  I am confused.  I am wondering.  I consider an abortion, I research this.  When I let you know my decision four days later, your response is, "you're a phony, you never loved the baby."  This makes me sad because I do love my baby.  I don't want to be a single parent.  I didn't wait this long in my life to have a child on my own.  You tell me to stop being a baby.  I'm devastated by your words.  My phone rings.  I answer, the person hangs up.  It is the first call of many which will take place over the next three months.

I resent the fact that you feel all I do is play with babies.  I'm a grown woman.  I have a successful carreer.  I made the decision to stay home with my child because I know this is the only child I will ever have.  I know that this time is precious and I want to experience it.  I want to savor it.  I know this will be hard.  But, you ridicule me.  You act as though my decision was stupid.  You remind me of this each chance you get.

I know this is wrong.  I know what love should be and this is not it.  I don't know how to get the love I want.  I ask for it,

"Do you love me?"
"Stop asking stupid questions."
"I'm asking because you aren't here and sometimes you get so angry at me.  I don't understand it.  If you love me, why do you tell me to get out?  Why don't you live with us?  Why aren't you around more?"
"I get angry because you ask stupid questions.  You don't even realize how stupid the shit you say is.  Who pays your rent so you can sit around all day?  I do.  Leave me alone with this bullshit."
"My feelings are not bullshit."
"Look, I have shit to do.  I don't have time to do this every few days.  You're never happy, you're never satisfied.  Good bye.  Leave me alone".

Three days later you come in the house and say I always have an attitude when you come around.  I never greet you with a hug and kiss at the door.  I always behave as though something is wrong.  What did you just tell me the other day?  I answer.  Oh please, you're still mad over that?  You hold a grudge, you're such a baby.  You leave.  I don't see you for five days.

In between the days I see you I receive via text,

"hey"
"miss you :-*"
"I'm so happy you're a part of my life"

None of this means anything to me.  How could it?  In a few days, you will call me stupid and dumb. You will say I'm controlling and ignorant.  You will curse me and kick me out of the house.  Then you will try to kiss me or fuck me and when I don't want to, you will accuse me of being in love with another man.  Someone who I haven't seen or spoken to in years.

I ask that we break up.  This isn't working.  I'm miserable.  I spend the majority of my evenings crying, lonely and sad.  I can't for the life of me understand why the man who claims to love me more than anything in the world can't come home to me and our child.  I can't understand why I am called names, told to get out and left for days at a time.  None of this makes any sense to me.  But I remain because I am hopeful things will get better.  I am hopeful it will improve and we will eventually have the life we planned.

I don't understand this behavior.  I can't make sense of it.  I stay up at night rethinking the day.  Wondering what I did or said to make you do and say the things you do.  I try my best not to make you upset.  I do the opposite of all the things you complained about before becaue I want this to work.  I want us to be happy.  But, I am not happy.  I'm miserable.  I'm very unhappy.

You text me.  "Let's cuddle tonight.  I'm so happy you're a part of my life".  But, I don't want to cuddle with you.  Yesterday you told me to live my life as though you don't exist.  You called me spoiled and stupid.  Why should I want to do that?  You come over and my heart is filled with dread.  I want to love you.  I love the future we've planned.  I love the life you said we would have but, I'm still waiting for that life to happen.  You're here but, I'm scared to even speak to you.  I don't know what I would say which wouldn't later be called stupid or dumb or ignorant.  I say nothing.  I put the baby to bed.  I go online to avoid talking to you.  I eventually go to sleep.  And here you are, in my face.  You're touching me, you're whispering in my ear and I hate you, but I love you.  You say these awful things to me.  You leave me for days at a time, you tell me to "get the fuck out of the house" regularly.  But I think I love you.  At least the old you, who didn't say these things, who I still believed in, who I thought would deliver on all of the promises you made me.  I want to love you, I want to kick you.  I want to feel you inside me, I want you to go away.  And here you are, you're fucking me.  You're telling me how much you love me.  How much you want me. How sorry you are and I believe you because I want to believe you.  I don't want you to hurt me, I don't want to feel the pain I feel when you call me a name, when you point you finger in my face or call me stupid or tell me you hate me.  I want all of that to go away.  I just want to love you and you love me.  I want to talk to you, to work things through, to make it all stop and you're doing that.  Each time you thrust
into me, I forget a little bit.  It sinks into the back of my mind,  It doesn't matter.  All that matters is you and me and our baby.  And I think I'm happy again.  I come and it feels so good, it feels so awesome. Something that makes me feel this wonderfully can't possibly be so horrible.  I must have said something that would make you so angry at me.  I have to be careful of the things I say and do next time because I never want this feeling to go away.  I want to remain in this bliss filled moment.  Its over.  You're kissing down my back and telling me how much you love me with each kiss.  This can't be right, what happened must have been a mistake.  In the morning, you're gone.  I don't see you for seven days, even though together, we have a child and you live twenty minutes away from us.

For days, I am alone.  I am confused.  You say you love me more than anything in the world.  (You use this phrase often) You say you want to be with me forever.  You want to grow old with me.  Our child and I mean more than anything to you ever but, we see you twice a week, for a few hours each day.  This fact confuses me.  It keeps me up at night.  It runs through my brain day and night.  It's all I think about.  (If you love me, why aren't you around?)

 I ask you this.  "If you love me, and you want me to be a part of your life forever, why don't you
come home to me?  Why don't I ever see you?"
You respond, "here we go again.  I'm so tired of this bullshit.  I told you, because I work."
"Well, my father worked, my brother worked and they came and come home to their families"
"Well, your father and brother weren't the only ones in the family working."
"Actually, for a time, they were.  I don't understand why you are not here.
"I don't have time for this bullshit."

And so it begins, the questions, the back and forth which will end in  you telling me to "get the fuck out" once again.  And which will leave me sad, depressed, confused and crying.

"I need you to help more with the baby.  I'm taking care of her by myself."
"Men who work don't help take care of babies.  Women who sit on their asses all day do that."
"That isn't true and, I don't sit on my ass all day."
"What are you complaining about? I wish someone would pay my rent.  I wish I got to sit around all day playing with babies."
"

I'm sincerely trying to make sense of the situation.  Finally, after about four years, you've decided to become the father I expected you to be for many years prior.  In the past, I would ask for your help and support and you would tell me to go to my family and friends for support.  You told me you were tired and had to work, workign kept you from being the father you were supposed to be.  We argued, long, hard and frequently over the things you did not do, over how, I was the main parent doing the majority of everything by myself and now, all of that has suddenly changed.  Now, pick ups are no problem.  Her starying extra days is need for concern.  Why?  Why did it take so long for you to be this person?  Why was I not met with this support originally when we planned this child?  When this is what you asked for?  Try as might, I just do not understand, at all.

There seems always that there is a shift of responsibility.  Am I a perfect person? Of course not.  I haeve done things of which I am not proud in my lifetime.  I have lashed out in anger.  I have said things that were mean and said with the intent to hurt but, all of these things were reactionary.  They were done or said in response to what was done and said to me.  For years, I sat idly by while I was cursed out, called names, yelled at, abandoned and I did nothing.  I cried, I sat, I waited, I tried my best to change whatever behavior I thought I was doing which caused the situation.  Nothing I did however was right.  If I disagreed, I was controlling and pushy.  If I agreed, I wasn't voicing my opinion and seemed unhappy.  If I said nothing, I was a pushover and didn't have my own mind.  It seems that nothing I ever did was good enough or right for you.  I tried so hard for so long to understand that.  If I was sitting on the couch when you came in, I was lazy and sat on the couch all day.  If I was cleaning up when you came in, I needed to relax and take it easy.  How is this possible?  Why was this so?  If I didn't make dinner, I was lazy.  If I cooked dinner, it was something I didn't
have to do daily, I should order in or make a dish that would last the week.  None of that made any
sense.

For years, these indescrepencies played back and forth in my mind.  How could this be possible?  Was I crazy?  Did you say the opposite of what you said the other day? Was I imagining this?

One day, the baby has a tantrum, I go to soothe her, I'm babying her, its the reason she has tantrums.  Another day she has a tantrum, I leave her alone, am I just going to allow her to lay on the floor and cry?  Why didn't I do something?  Yet another day, she has a tantrum, I chastise her, what should I expect from her?  She's just a baby, I expect too much.  All of it confusing and difficult to digest.

One day, you love me more than anything in the world, you can't live without me and want to grow old with me though the next day, you hate me, I'm a dumb bitch and you want me the fuck out of the
house, still the next day, you're sorry, didn't mean any of it and want me in your life forever.  I ask
you, what does it all mean?  Why do you do this?  Your response is, " I don't know".

You get angry over something I do not understand.  I don't see you for three, five, seven, nine, twelve, thirteen, eighteen days.  You come back and get upset that I don't usher you "home" with open arms.  You say that I'm not as smart as I think I am (when did I ever declare that I was smart?), you call me stupid, dumb, ignorant, an asshole, then accuse me of not loving you because I do not show you affection in the way you want me to.

You accuse me of being controlling when I make decisions that you won't assist me in making then call the decisions that I do make stupid and half assed.  You tell me you want nothing to do with me, don't want me in your life then turn around and say that you love me more than anything and want me to be with you forever.  None of this makes any sense to me.  None of this made any sense to me but
this was life as I knew it.


You dismiss my feelings.  I say I am unhappy, I don't like the way things are, I need something different to happen in our lives, your response is, wait five months, wait until I"ve saved X amount of money, wait until this or that or then.  Ask for your family and friends, leave me alone, "yawwwwnnnn", all you do is complain, if you don't like it, leave, fuck you, you're spoiled, you don't know how good you have it.

So, I begin

As my life is in transition, I need an outlet, a forum where I can release. I am healing. I am a work in progress. I'm attempting to drudge through my stuff. Hoping to usher healing and whole ness into my life. I am reaching for my higher level. Trying to evolve past that which has been a constant in my life. I want to be healed. I want to be whole. I need to start a new.

I'm trying to make sense of that which does not make sense to me. Try as I might, and believe me, I've tried, I just do not understand. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I feel angry. Sometimes I feel sad. More often than not, I just do not understand.

I feel as though a large portion of the last few years of my life have been a lie. As though I was tricked into this situation. This is what I wanted, I wanted it for years but when it showed up, it wasn't the right time. It wasn't the right person. This wasn't the right thing.

I never understood really why the things that were said were said. Why the things that were done were done. Why so much more respect was shown to others than to me. I don't understand why my requests were answered with such negativity, if they were answered at all. I don't understand why I was ignored. Why no conversation ever took place, why things were left to die as they were.

I am left with the feeling of regret. Left with the task of raising a child alone. Left with so many questions, so many things I just don't get.

Why did you say the things you said to me? Why were my child and I not important enough to you to make more of an effort?

I know that the only way forward is to let go, to resolve, to heal, to grow. I need and want to be open, to see beyond what I am supposed to see. To move past this pain that keeps resurfacing, which just sits for hours, for days.

So here I will write. I will learn. I will heal. I will resurface.