What you say, tells me who you want to be. What you do shows me who you actually are.
Stacey Ann Chin
I read this the other day and was wholeheartedly reminded of you. This was the duality that kept me around you. The words you used, (I love you more than anything in this world, I want a family, I want to be with you forever, I want to be closer to you, I'm sorry, I do love you and I do want you, I want and need you in my life) were what I wanted to hear; but your actions were in great contradiction to those words.
You wanted to be in a relationship with me but I did not know your friends or your family. I'd only been to your house once. When we disagreed, you called me names, including stupid, idiot, asshole and dumb bitch, when I told you I didn't like to be spoken to that way, you called me a cry baby and told me to stop complaining.
You saw my child and I twice a week but, went to Arlene's house everyday for over two weeks to feed her dog. The health and well being of Arlene's dog was more important to you than me and my child.
When I asked for you, to strengthen our relationship, which was dying, (probably already dead), you ignored me, but found time to date women you met on the Internet. Even driving to New Jersey to meet one. The women on the Internet, who you did not know, were more important to you than I and your child were.
You pretended to be impotent. You lied to me. To my face. Over. And over. And over. And over.
When I asked for your help and support with our child, when I told you how important your presence was to me, you told me to rely on family and friends. This was done many times.
The day I came home with our brand new child, I waited over four hours for you to pick us up because you were moving. I was pregnant for 38 weeks but the day we came home was the day you HAD to move. Not before or after. The night I came home, from having major abdominal surgery, you went to work. Your response to my request for you to stay with me was, "you'll be alright". After that day, I didn't see you for four days. Our child was in the hospital for three days for possible seizures. You were there for three hours of the total time she was in the hospital.
You cursed me out and called me names over phone calls I did not make, over my want to see a midwife, over my dying computer, over me not wanting to buy a computer from the place you wanted me to buy it, over not applying for a job for which I was not at all qualified or licensed, over not doing what you thought I should do, over a myriad of things that I can't even begin to list because there are so many.
When I told you I was unhappy with your behavior and the things that were happening between us, you told me to get over it then began accusing me of being with and being in love with another man.
You did not attend our child's first birthday party, which YOU expanded from a small family event and helped plan, over reasons to this day, I still do not understand.
You KNEW I was depressed. You KNEW I was unhappy. Your response was not to love me. Not to comfort me. Not to be present as I asked you to be. It was to lie to me. To abandon me. To call me names. To cheat on me.
When I would ask you what was wrong, when I would ask you to work with me on our relationship, you would tell me nothing was wrong. Everything was fine. When I asked if you enjoyed spending time with me, you swore you loved me and loved doing things with me. You said, the thought that our relationship should be better was unrealistic. I was trying to live a fantasy that did not exist. You would call me crazy and unrealistic. You told me we were not the Cosby show. As though the thought that someone who would actually show me love and respect was an unrealistic vision. You tried your best to convince me what was happening with us was normal or okay.
Even though you were only around twice a week, I found myself dreading the time you were around. I was happier when you were not there. I didn't understand that but, you upset my peace. You upset my well being. You upset who I was.
These are all things that happened in the first two years of me knowing you. This is before I began treating you the way I do and did. I was still waiting for you to act upon the things you said you would do. These examples are just snippets. They in no way encompass all the things that actually happened. Among other things that are missing are the disappearances. The mocking and mimicking. The demeaning. The lack of participation, not only in parenting but in the relationship as a whole.
But, you point out a blog post. With all of this happening. With all of this swirling, you point out a blog post as the antithesis of our being.
This is the subtle portion of our relationship. This is prior to the violence. Prior to the yelling and explosive arguments. Prior to the yelling in the street and the Internet posting. This is the environment and the poison that was created.
My time with you was by far the absolute worst period of my life. With the exception of experiencing pregnancy and Harmony, it is not a time on which I like to reflect. To the point where for a little while, even my feelings towards her were wrapped up in those hurt, horrible feelings.
This behavior extends into present day. Just a month ago you were cursing me out over Harmony's school. You were calling me names just last week. I asked you for a ride and you mention some woman you met just a few months ago. Someone you met a few months ago holds more precedent in your life than I ever have.
This is why you are treated the way you are by me. As I told you, there is no anger or no hatred. My life just works better without your presence. Without whatever it is you bring around. Your energy is destructive to my life and to my well being.
