I'm letting this go. I've realized that rehashing and reliving is not serving me. 

New things occur that bring the past into full fruition. I am learning to accept the new occurrences as they are, without internalizing them. 

There is nothing that I can do, say or write to change what has happened. There is nothing I can do, day or write to change the way this person currently thinks or the things he currently does. 

It was what it was and it is what it is. 

What you say, tells me who you want to be. What you do shows me who you actually are. 

Stacey Ann Chin

I read this the other day and was wholeheartedly reminded of you. This was the duality that kept me around you. The words you used, (I love you more than anything in this world, I want a family, I want to be with you forever, I want to be closer to you, I'm sorry, I do love you and I do want you, I want and need you in my life) were what I wanted to hear; but your actions were in great contradiction to those words. 

You wanted to be in a relationship with me but I did not know your friends or your family. I'd only been to your house once. When we disagreed, you called me names, including stupid, idiot, asshole and dumb bitch, when I told you I didn't like to be spoken to that way, you called me a cry baby and told me to stop complaining. 

You saw my child and I twice a week but, went to Arlene's house everyday for over two weeks to feed her dog. The health and well being of Arlene's dog was more important to you than me and my child. 

When I asked for you, to strengthen our relationship, which was dying, (probably already dead), you ignored me, but found time to date women you met on the Internet. Even driving to New Jersey to meet one. The women on the Internet, who you did not know, were more important to you than I and your child were.

You pretended to be impotent. You lied to me. To my face. Over. And over. And over. And over.  

When I asked for your help and support with our child, when I told you how important your presence was to me, you told me to rely on family and friends. This was done many times. 

The day I came home with our brand new child, I waited over four hours for you to pick us up because you were moving. I was pregnant for 38 weeks but the day we came home was the day you HAD to move. Not before or after. The night I came home, from having major abdominal surgery, you went to work. Your response to my request for you to stay with me was, "you'll be alright". After that day, I didn't see you for four days. Our child was in the hospital for three days for possible seizures. You were there for three hours of the total time she was in the hospital. 

You cursed me out and called me names over phone calls I did not make, over my want to see a midwife, over my dying computer, over me not wanting to buy a computer from the place you wanted me to buy it, over not applying for a job for which I was not at all qualified or licensed, over not doing what you thought I should do, over a myriad of things that I can't even begin to list because there are so many. 

When I told you I was unhappy with your behavior and the things that were happening between us, you told me to get over it then began accusing me of being with and being in love with another man. 

You did not attend our child's first birthday party, which YOU expanded from a small family event and helped plan, over reasons to this day, I still do not understand. 

You KNEW I was depressed. You KNEW I was unhappy. Your response was not to love me. Not to comfort me. Not to be present as I asked you to be. It was to lie to me. To abandon me. To call me names. To cheat on me. 

When I would ask you what was wrong, when I would ask you to work with me on our relationship, you would tell me nothing was wrong. Everything was fine. When I asked if you enjoyed spending time with me, you swore you loved me and loved doing things with me. You said, the thought that our relationship should be better was unrealistic. I was trying to live a fantasy that did not exist. You would call me crazy and unrealistic. You told me we were not the Cosby show. As though the thought that someone who would actually show me love and respect was an unrealistic vision. You tried your best to convince me what was happening with us was normal or okay. 

Even though you were only around twice a week, I found myself dreading the time you were around. I was happier when you were not there. I didn't understand that but, you upset my peace. You upset my well being. You upset who I was. 

These are all things that happened in the first two years of me knowing you. This is before I began treating you the way I do and did. I was still waiting for you to act upon the things you said you would do. These examples are just snippets. They in no way encompass all the things that actually happened. Among other things that are missing are the disappearances. The mocking and mimicking. The demeaning.  The lack of participation, not only in parenting but in the relationship as a whole. 

But, you point out a blog post. With all of this happening. With all of this swirling, you point out a blog post as the antithesis of our being. 

This is the subtle portion of our relationship. This is prior to the violence. Prior to the yelling and explosive arguments. Prior to the yelling in the street and the Internet posting. This is the environment and the poison that was created. 

My time with you was by far the absolute worst period of my life. With the exception of experiencing pregnancy and Harmony, it is not a time on which I like to reflect.  To the point where for a little while, even  my feelings towards her were wrapped up in those hurt, horrible feelings. 

This behavior extends into present day. Just a month ago you were cursing me out over Harmony's school. You were calling me names just last week. I asked you for a ride and you mention some woman you met just a few months ago. Someone you met a few months ago holds more precedent in your life than I ever have. 

This is why you are treated the way you are by me. As I told you, there is no anger or no hatred. My life just works better without your presence. Without whatever it is you bring around. Your energy is destructive to my life and to my well being. 

Revelations

What you say, tells me who you want to be. What you do shows me who you actually are. 

Stacey Ann Chin

The other day during our conversation, so much was revealed. While you were trying, albeit unsuccessfully, to peg things on me, to try to make me into the person you claim I am, and being met with an overwhelming amount of evidence, facts to counteract your attacks, what actually came into light was this:

You KNEW I was depressed. You said you KNEW. You were aware, you were sure and certain. But your reaction to my depression was to hurt me further. To lie to me. To call me names. To abandon me. To cheat on me. These are things you did. Which you admit to. But, you try so desperately, and so fruitlessly, to cast me in a negative light. 

I've come to realize that your actions have nothing to do with me. Your admittance to the inability or perhaps your want not to communicate have nothing to do with me. It is and was your image of yourself, your feelings of unworthiness, your feelings of inadequacy that led your actions. Your made up stories, that hold no validity in real life. Whenever you try your hardest to pin something on me, to make claim about something I did or said it falls. 

You feel this need to discredit who I am , always. Blaming me for the child's behavior, for her peeing the bed, for almost anything that you can. Because of your own feelings. Because you are not the father you claimed you were going to be. Because you are not the man you claim you are and because I point this out to you and my words are correct, you fictionalize a character for me. A character that does not and has never existed. 

Slight regressions or, quick reflections

I've always felt as though my child and I were never really important to you. 

While I was pregnant, you were not present. You spent time on you tube, creating uplifting videos for other fat women instead of sharing time with me. Instead of tending to our needs and strengthening our relationship. 

After our child was born, you spent more time away from us than with us. I literally asked for you, you ignored me, spent time with other women. Lied to me about it. 

Our child comes to you, you go to work. You have a babysitter watch her while you are working but spend your days off with a woman you you began dating months ago. Why is my child not worth your time?

Then, I ask a favor of you and you tell me, you need to establish boundaries, as though I was trying to come on to you. As though that is something that I've done. The funny thing is, did you establish boundaries with those women you cheated on me with?  Did you tell them you had a woman and child that you "loved more than anything in the world"? 

Why were we always last in your life? Why were we never worthy of your time? Why were other people more important than us? Why does this woman take more precedence in your life than your child? 

I don't understand these things. 

I am admittedly having a difficult time loving and expressing love towards someone who I still remember saying and doing such cruel things to me. 

As I move through healing, I try my best to forgive. I try my best to understand, move past and most importantly, love. Love of my self keeps me from showcasing affections of any sort to you. It is self preservation that keeps me from moving in that direction. I forgive but I remember. Those memories are what surfaces when I see your face, hear your voice. The confusion about the past comes up again. I'm not sure why, I would prefer it not but in short, I just don't trust you. I don't trust you to be the father you said you would be because you've proven to me over and over that you wouldn't be. I don't trust you to speak to you because if I say something to you, you throw it back at me when you get the chance. I don't trust you enough to let my guard down because you'll curse me out over things I don't even understand if you feel like it. All of this manifests when I see you, when I hear your voice. The need to hide myself, hide my smile or my thoughts. The need to keep me and my emotions hidden from you. You will use my words as ammunition against me. You will break my heart again and again with your cruel words. And so, I give you nothing. I do not allow you in. I keep my heart, no kindness, my love hidden from you. 

Three women in my office are pregnant. Today, as we sat around speaking about pregnancy, symptoms, weird things our bodies do while with child, each of them spoke about something sweet or kind their husbands do or have done for them while being pregnant. I was confronted with the fact that I did not have this during my pregnancy, and it hurt somewhat. I sat in silence listening but, I admittedly was somewhat hurt, and a tad bit jealous. My pregnancy was mostly spent alone, then later, with my mom. Though I planned my pregnancy with someone who said they wanted a child and a family, my requests for love and companionship from this person were met with, "go to your family and friends", "I'll be around more in a few months", "stop being a baby", "I thought you were supposed to be a strong black woman".

And it hurt. Just a little. Not enough to take me off my path. Not enough to shake my faith or put me back in a dark place. But just enough to make me remember. Just enough to make me cry a bit. Sadly, these are the things that still haunt me. These are the things that creep in the back of my mind. These are the things I don't understand. 

I feel content, at peace. In a place of happiness. This week, I stood up for myself. I clearly stated what was acceptable to me, what I would and would not tolerate. I set a precedent for myself that I am sure to follow. 

I am growing, into myself, learning more intimately who I am, who I choose to be.