I am admittedly having a difficult time loving and expressing love towards someone who I still remember saying and doing such cruel things to me. 

As I move through healing, I try my best to forgive. I try my best to understand, move past and most importantly, love. Love of my self keeps me from showcasing affections of any sort to you. It is self preservation that keeps me from moving in that direction. I forgive but I remember. Those memories are what surfaces when I see your face, hear your voice. The confusion about the past comes up again. I'm not sure why, I would prefer it not but in short, I just don't trust you. I don't trust you to be the father you said you would be because you've proven to me over and over that you wouldn't be. I don't trust you to speak to you because if I say something to you, you throw it back at me when you get the chance. I don't trust you enough to let my guard down because you'll curse me out over things I don't even understand if you feel like it. All of this manifests when I see you, when I hear your voice. The need to hide myself, hide my smile or my thoughts. The need to keep me and my emotions hidden from you. You will use my words as ammunition against me. You will break my heart again and again with your cruel words. And so, I give you nothing. I do not allow you in. I keep my heart, no kindness, my love hidden from you.