Today, I dealt with a bit of anger that arise in my chest. He called to discuss things that are important for the coming school year. Yet, the thought popped into my head, "see how simple this is?  Why was this do hard before? Why couldn't you just do this? It would have saved so much bullshit."

Instead, I answered the necessary questions, supplied the needed info then hung up. What could have been simple for years was made so difficult because of silliness. 

I guess it is what it is and was what it was. 

I am in a very serene but emit so place this morning. Feeling on the verge of tears but good ones. 

For a long time, I cut myself off from my base of love and support, out of fear, out of embarrassment. 

I am surrounded by love. Supported by grace. 

I am in a very serene but emit so place this morning. Feeling on the verge of tears but good ones. 

For a long time, I cut myself off from my base of love and support, out of fear, out of embarrassment. 

I am surrounded by love. Supported by grace. 

The Story of Us

While traveling through life, we each create our own stories.  We tell these to ourselves and others.  In these stories, we case ourselves as the victim, hero or heroine, the jester, wherever we see ourselves at the time.  When involving others in our lives and ulitmately in our stories, we have a tendency to get wrapped up in the events of the moment and easily lose ourselves.

I was speaking to a dear friend of mine, one who I love dearly but with whom I don't get a chance to speak with regularly, the story of life, work, errands, etc. that wraps us up in day to day life and she said something so profound, Something that I think I've known but I've allowed myself to forget overthe years  and through the course of happenings.  She says, "you wanted the baby more than the man."  Now, in the beginning, I did want the man.  I adored him but, once I truly saw the man, once I heard the things that came from his mouth, the way we truly interacted, I saw that which I did not want.  I no longer wanted him.  I admittedly rushed into this situation.  I was so caught up in my story, at the time, I allowed the words of others to dictate my life.  By the time I truly saw what I was a part of, my child was already on her way.  I allowed fear, and prodding of certain family members, to convince me to stay, to try and try and try.  But I knew, early on that he was not for me. He said the things I wanted to hear.  Things I'd never heard from anyone before so, I convinced myself it had to be good and true and real.   I began to live the story rather than the truth.  I allowed the story and fear of being alone, of being a statistic, another, single, black mother, (and fat on top of all of that) to lead my thoughts and eventually my feelings.  But truth and sincerity say and said over and over, this is not it.  HE is not the ONE.

I wanted him to be.  When he was kind and loving, he was absolutely awesome.  He would say the most beautiful things to me, look at me with such love and intensity and make love with me like no one ever before.  There was a time when I felt so safe with him. But those moments of disagreement, of a clash of thoughts were horrid.  They would last for days and weeks.  The criticism, the nitpicking, the lying, the cheating, the words, the words! The disappearances, the not knowing and uncertainty, it was all too much for me.  I knew and know that I am a better person without him.  I feel better about myself.  I feel like me, something I've never felt in his presence.  I don't feel guarded or as though I have to watch everything that comes out of my mouth.

In short, I allowed fear, fear of being alone with a child to dictate my actions.  It lead me to anger, upset and admittedly, desparation, almost anything to maintain the image of my life I held in my
head.  The story we create can be a very dangerous thing.  I decided to just let go.  I am living in my truth as best I can.  Does that mean I will not get sad or upset at times? No  Does it mean I will not have all the feelings we as humans can experience?  Of course not.  It does mean that I will stay true to myself and react to things accordingly, as only I can.  I will take the time to process my thoughts and emotions and operate out of a place of self truth and universal love.  It means that the old me, that other portion of me must learn to release and let go.  She cant get caught up in the thought, it the story of us but live in the reality, and accept what life is giving me.  This is the only way that I can live and the only way I intend to live.

Speaking to a friend today, she said something that fit perfectly into my train of thought but which for some reason I have not identified. She told me, "I believe you have been traumatized". I'd never thought of it that way but, she was spot on. This entire situation has traumatized me. Over the years, I've been in a state of confusion and recovery as I've tried to make sense of this situation then emotionally be pulled right back to the beginning. Mentally, emotionally and physically, I've been assaulted, attacked then been accused of causing the issues. I've been a wounded soul trying to understand and move on. The things I feared most in life, came true. But despite all of that, I am for the most part, ok. I have survived intact and mostly sane. 

Instead of rehashing and reliving, I want to transcend this occurrence. Move past this portion of my life. Five years have passed since the first time I was thrown into confusion. It's time this portion of my life is laid to rest. I know the reason this had dragged out for so long is because I allowed it to. Instead of being strong, I allowed myself to believe I couldn't do this on my own. I allowed myself to believe I couldn't care for my child. I didn't want to be a single parent and honestly, I held out hope for change. I know that always in the back of my head was the idea that there was hope, that there was a chance. That something along the lines of love still existed. Why I thought this, I am not sure. Probably because the entire situation never made sense to begin with. 

Today I read, "sometimes, you don't get answers, you didn't get reasons and you don't get closure". That's a hard pill to stomach but I guess, it is what it is. I lived for a long time out of a place of fear. Fear kept me contained. Fear of upset, fear of anger, fear of rage, fear of being hurt, fear of abandonment. This dictated my life. It kept me quiet when I should have stood up for my self. It made me angry and lash out after years of being hurt. It made me do and say things I would have never imagined myself doing and saying. It took me out of my element. And now, I consciously lay this to rest. I say good bye. I make peace with this portion of my story and I move on. I have lived it. I have experienced it but I will not allow this to define me. I will not make this the story of my life. I will move past this hurt and live the life I want to live. 

Real healing can only begin when you live in truth. When you fully recognize and acknowledge what has happened and how it has affected you. Because of embarrassment, I have not always lived my truth. In desperation I have not always spoken truth. I forgive myself and I forgive you for all that we have done to one another. I forgive you for all of the things said in anger. I forgive you for all of the hurt I felt at your hands, by your tongue, at your absence. I forgive myself for any and all mistakes I have made in the name of "love" done out of fear. 

I forgive. I let go. I leave it behind. It no longer serves me. It no longer allows me to live as my higher self. It brings detriment to my life. 

As I heal, I ask to be surrounded by light, by love, by understanding, and forgiveness. I ask to remember to operate from a place of true love and wholeness as I move forward towards the person I want to be. 

Reasonings

I began a new blog, a year in healing. 

I will write the things I think. I'm hoping this will help me deal with my issues on a different level. 

There are changes coming for which I am not emotionally prepared. 

I never received closure in my past relationship. Many questions I asked were met with, "I don't know" as an answer.  But, I cannot stay stuck. I also do not want to continuously relive this past. 

I am hoping this will help me move on. Will help me move past what happened. 

I'm tired of being treated as though I am this horrible controlling ego maniac when I know that is not the truth about me. I spent a long time trying to convince him that those things were not true. I spent so much of my energy and my time trying to convince him that I wasn't the person he said I was but each time I tried, he would find something new wrong with me.  He would bring up some new reason why I wasn't deserving of his love. 

First, it was because he had to work to provide for our family. He had to save money to make sure we had enough. Then it was because I said something under my breath (which I did not say). Then it was because I wasn't working, he needed to work and sleep because we needed money and security. Then it was because the baby cried a lot and he needed to rest. Then it was a blog post I wrote. Then it was a relationship book he found which I bought. Then I was in love with another man and used him for a baby. Then he was unsure because of something I said. Then it was because I'd never loved him. Then it was because I was angry and hurt then it was because I was a control freak and arrogant.  Through all of this back and forth, whenever I've pulled away and began to feel better about myself. When I've come to a place where I felt ok to move on, he would jump back up, I love you. I need you. I want you. I need you in my life. I want to be with you. I care for you. 

I was so desperate at one time. I did all kinds of things to try to make him happy. To try to fix something I never understood I had done wrong. I just wanted the love and the family he promised me. I didn't want to be a single parent. And I tried as hard as I could to make everything ok. None of this worked or was good enough for him. Whenever I cleared up one issue or tried my best to show him that what he thought wasn't true, something else would pop up. Something that I yet again just didn't understand. Something that I couldn't fix. 

I always felt as though I were an after thought to him. Other people seemed to be more important to him than me and our child. He abandoned us emotionally and physically then tried to place the blame on me. He behaved as though I'd done something to him. I felt so lost and confused and desperate. I cried most of the time. I had no idea what to think. I felt like I was insane. I tried so hard to get back to the way things used to be with us. During the time when he adored me and thought I was so great. I couldn't understand what I'd done. How could my behavior had been so bad that he would just up and leave? That he would just take away the love that he promised me. 

I never had a relationship like this.  You do not make me a part of your life.  I haven't met your friends.  I haven't met your family.  I've been to your home once.  You show up.  You are around and then you go away.  I have no idea what this means.  I feel stupid for making the decisions I've made.  I feel like an idiot.  I know this is a mistake but, I'm not certain what to do about this.

I am pregnant.  I can't believe that I did this.  You told me you were ready for a family.  For a child.  For commitment, for a life together.  When I tell you we should wait, we should take time to continue getting to know one another you tell me, "you play games.  You say you are ready for a child and a family but you are not.  I want my first child by next year.  I am ready to be a father".  

I allow the excitement of a child to get the better of me and I consent.  I go along with what you've asked because I want a child.  I want a family.  I want a relationship.  I want a commitment and you've promised all of this to me.

But now, I am pregnant.  I am 15 weeks along and laying on my bed, alone.  I have been alone all of this week.  I am too embarrassed to let anyone I know know about this.  I am shameful of the fact that I've waited until I am thirty years old to make a stupid life mistake.  So, I sit alone, sad while everyone I know probably thinks we are off somewhere being madly in love.

I tell you.  I need you to be around more often.  We are having a baby.  We planned this baby but I'm by myself all of the time. I don't feel as though you are part of my life.  I don't feel as though I am part of your life.  Your response to me is, "don't worry.  I'll be around more after the baby is born.  I'll be there for you and for the baby."  I remind you that this is five months in the making.  "Are you asking me to wait five months for you to become involved in my life?  Why did you want to have a child with me?  Do you want to be with me?  Do you want this baby?" You respond. "Why are you saying that?  Did I say that?  Did I say that to you?" I say, "what do you think that says to me?  You want me to wait until after the baby is born?" You reiterate, "I will be there for you and the baby after the baby is born."  I sit and cry.  I wonder why I made this decision.  I am confused.  I am wondering.  I consider an abortion, I research this.  When I let you know my decision four days later, your response is, "you're a phony, you never loved the baby."  This makes me sad because I do love my baby.  I don't want to be a single parent.  I didn't wait this long in my life to have a child on my own.  You tell me to stop being a baby.  I'm devastated by your words.  My phone rings.  I answer, the person hangs up.  It is the first call of many which will take place over the next three months.