Speaking to a friend today, she said something that fit perfectly into my train of thought but which for some reason I have not identified. She told me, "I believe you have been traumatized". I'd never thought of it that way but, she was spot on. This entire situation has traumatized me. Over the years, I've been in a state of confusion and recovery as I've tried to make sense of this situation then emotionally be pulled right back to the beginning. Mentally, emotionally and physically, I've been assaulted, attacked then been accused of causing the issues. I've been a wounded soul trying to understand and move on. The things I feared most in life, came true. But despite all of that, I am for the most part, ok. I have survived intact and mostly sane. 

Instead of rehashing and reliving, I want to transcend this occurrence. Move past this portion of my life. Five years have passed since the first time I was thrown into confusion. It's time this portion of my life is laid to rest. I know the reason this had dragged out for so long is because I allowed it to. Instead of being strong, I allowed myself to believe I couldn't do this on my own. I allowed myself to believe I couldn't care for my child. I didn't want to be a single parent and honestly, I held out hope for change. I know that always in the back of my head was the idea that there was hope, that there was a chance. That something along the lines of love still existed. Why I thought this, I am not sure. Probably because the entire situation never made sense to begin with. 

Today I read, "sometimes, you don't get answers, you didn't get reasons and you don't get closure". That's a hard pill to stomach but I guess, it is what it is. I lived for a long time out of a place of fear. Fear kept me contained. Fear of upset, fear of anger, fear of rage, fear of being hurt, fear of abandonment. This dictated my life. It kept me quiet when I should have stood up for my self. It made me angry and lash out after years of being hurt. It made me do and say things I would have never imagined myself doing and saying. It took me out of my element. And now, I consciously lay this to rest. I say good bye. I make peace with this portion of my story and I move on. I have lived it. I have experienced it but I will not allow this to define me. I will not make this the story of my life. I will move past this hurt and live the life I want to live. 

Real healing can only begin when you live in truth. When you fully recognize and acknowledge what has happened and how it has affected you. Because of embarrassment, I have not always lived my truth. In desperation I have not always spoken truth. I forgive myself and I forgive you for all that we have done to one another. I forgive you for all of the things said in anger. I forgive you for all of the hurt I felt at your hands, by your tongue, at your absence. I forgive myself for any and all mistakes I have made in the name of "love" done out of fear. 

I forgive. I let go. I leave it behind. It no longer serves me. It no longer allows me to live as my higher self. It brings detriment to my life. 

As I heal, I ask to be surrounded by light, by love, by understanding, and forgiveness. I ask to remember to operate from a place of true love and wholeness as I move forward towards the person I want to be.