I'm sincerely trying to make sense of the situation.  Finally, after about four years, you've decided to become the father I expected you to be for many years prior.  In the past, I would ask for your help and support and you would tell me to go to my family and friends for support.  You told me you were tired and had to work, workign kept you from being the father you were supposed to be.  We argued, long, hard and frequently over the things you did not do, over how, I was the main parent doing the majority of everything by myself and now, all of that has suddenly changed.  Now, pick ups are no problem.  Her starying extra days is need for concern.  Why?  Why did it take so long for you to be this person?  Why was I not met with this support originally when we planned this child?  When this is what you asked for?  Try as might, I just do not understand, at all.

There seems always that there is a shift of responsibility.  Am I a perfect person? Of course not.  I haeve done things of which I am not proud in my lifetime.  I have lashed out in anger.  I have said things that were mean and said with the intent to hurt but, all of these things were reactionary.  They were done or said in response to what was done and said to me.  For years, I sat idly by while I was cursed out, called names, yelled at, abandoned and I did nothing.  I cried, I sat, I waited, I tried my best to change whatever behavior I thought I was doing which caused the situation.  Nothing I did however was right.  If I disagreed, I was controlling and pushy.  If I agreed, I wasn't voicing my opinion and seemed unhappy.  If I said nothing, I was a pushover and didn't have my own mind.  It seems that nothing I ever did was good enough or right for you.  I tried so hard for so long to understand that.  If I was sitting on the couch when you came in, I was lazy and sat on the couch all day.  If I was cleaning up when you came in, I needed to relax and take it easy.  How is this possible?  Why was this so?  If I didn't make dinner, I was lazy.  If I cooked dinner, it was something I didn't
have to do daily, I should order in or make a dish that would last the week.  None of that made any
sense.

For years, these indescrepencies played back and forth in my mind.  How could this be possible?  Was I crazy?  Did you say the opposite of what you said the other day? Was I imagining this?

One day, the baby has a tantrum, I go to soothe her, I'm babying her, its the reason she has tantrums.  Another day she has a tantrum, I leave her alone, am I just going to allow her to lay on the floor and cry?  Why didn't I do something?  Yet another day, she has a tantrum, I chastise her, what should I expect from her?  She's just a baby, I expect too much.  All of it confusing and difficult to digest.

One day, you love me more than anything in the world, you can't live without me and want to grow old with me though the next day, you hate me, I'm a dumb bitch and you want me the fuck out of the
house, still the next day, you're sorry, didn't mean any of it and want me in your life forever.  I ask
you, what does it all mean?  Why do you do this?  Your response is, " I don't know".

You get angry over something I do not understand.  I don't see you for three, five, seven, nine, twelve, thirteen, eighteen days.  You come back and get upset that I don't usher you "home" with open arms.  You say that I'm not as smart as I think I am (when did I ever declare that I was smart?), you call me stupid, dumb, ignorant, an asshole, then accuse me of not loving you because I do not show you affection in the way you want me to.

You accuse me of being controlling when I make decisions that you won't assist me in making then call the decisions that I do make stupid and half assed.  You tell me you want nothing to do with me, don't want me in your life then turn around and say that you love me more than anything and want me to be with you forever.  None of this makes any sense to me.  None of this made any sense to me but
this was life as I knew it.


You dismiss my feelings.  I say I am unhappy, I don't like the way things are, I need something different to happen in our lives, your response is, wait five months, wait until I"ve saved X amount of money, wait until this or that or then.  Ask for your family and friends, leave me alone, "yawwwwnnnn", all you do is complain, if you don't like it, leave, fuck you, you're spoiled, you don't know how good you have it.