I don't understand this behavior.  I can't make sense of it.  I stay up at night rethinking the day.  Wondering what I did or said to make you do and say the things you do.  I try my best not to make you upset.  I do the opposite of all the things you complained about before becaue I want this to work.  I want us to be happy.  But, I am not happy.  I'm miserable.  I'm very unhappy.

You text me.  "Let's cuddle tonight.  I'm so happy you're a part of my life".  But, I don't want to cuddle with you.  Yesterday you told me to live my life as though you don't exist.  You called me spoiled and stupid.  Why should I want to do that?  You come over and my heart is filled with dread.  I want to love you.  I love the future we've planned.  I love the life you said we would have but, I'm still waiting for that life to happen.  You're here but, I'm scared to even speak to you.  I don't know what I would say which wouldn't later be called stupid or dumb or ignorant.  I say nothing.  I put the baby to bed.  I go online to avoid talking to you.  I eventually go to sleep.  And here you are, in my face.  You're touching me, you're whispering in my ear and I hate you, but I love you.  You say these awful things to me.  You leave me for days at a time, you tell me to "get the fuck out of the house" regularly.  But I think I love you.  At least the old you, who didn't say these things, who I still believed in, who I thought would deliver on all of the promises you made me.  I want to love you, I want to kick you.  I want to feel you inside me, I want you to go away.  And here you are, you're fucking me.  You're telling me how much you love me.  How much you want me. How sorry you are and I believe you because I want to believe you.  I don't want you to hurt me, I don't want to feel the pain I feel when you call me a name, when you point you finger in my face or call me stupid or tell me you hate me.  I want all of that to go away.  I just want to love you and you love me.  I want to talk to you, to work things through, to make it all stop and you're doing that.  Each time you thrust
into me, I forget a little bit.  It sinks into the back of my mind,  It doesn't matter.  All that matters is you and me and our baby.  And I think I'm happy again.  I come and it feels so good, it feels so awesome. Something that makes me feel this wonderfully can't possibly be so horrible.  I must have said something that would make you so angry at me.  I have to be careful of the things I say and do next time because I never want this feeling to go away.  I want to remain in this bliss filled moment.  Its over.  You're kissing down my back and telling me how much you love me with each kiss.  This can't be right, what happened must have been a mistake.  In the morning, you're gone.  I don't see you for seven days, even though together, we have a child and you live twenty minutes away from us.

For days, I am alone.  I am confused.  You say you love me more than anything in the world.  (You use this phrase often) You say you want to be with me forever.  You want to grow old with me.  Our child and I mean more than anything to you ever but, we see you twice a week, for a few hours each day.  This fact confuses me.  It keeps me up at night.  It runs through my brain day and night.  It's all I think about.  (If you love me, why aren't you around?)

 I ask you this.  "If you love me, and you want me to be a part of your life forever, why don't you
come home to me?  Why don't I ever see you?"
You respond, "here we go again.  I'm so tired of this bullshit.  I told you, because I work."
"Well, my father worked, my brother worked and they came and come home to their families"
"Well, your father and brother weren't the only ones in the family working."
"Actually, for a time, they were.  I don't understand why you are not here.
"I don't have time for this bullshit."

And so it begins, the questions, the back and forth which will end in  you telling me to "get the fuck out" once again.  And which will leave me sad, depressed, confused and crying.

"I need you to help more with the baby.  I'm taking care of her by myself."
"Men who work don't help take care of babies.  Women who sit on their asses all day do that."
"That isn't true and, I don't sit on my ass all day."
"What are you complaining about? I wish someone would pay my rent.  I wish I got to sit around all day playing with babies."
"