Reasonings

I began a new blog, a year in healing. 

I will write the things I think. I'm hoping this will help me deal with my issues on a different level. 

There are changes coming for which I am not emotionally prepared. 

I never received closure in my past relationship. Many questions I asked were met with, "I don't know" as an answer.  But, I cannot stay stuck. I also do not want to continuously relive this past. 

I am hoping this will help me move on. Will help me move past what happened. 

I'm tired of being treated as though I am this horrible controlling ego maniac when I know that is not the truth about me. I spent a long time trying to convince him that those things were not true. I spent so much of my energy and my time trying to convince him that I wasn't the person he said I was but each time I tried, he would find something new wrong with me.  He would bring up some new reason why I wasn't deserving of his love. 

First, it was because he had to work to provide for our family. He had to save money to make sure we had enough. Then it was because I said something under my breath (which I did not say). Then it was because I wasn't working, he needed to work and sleep because we needed money and security. Then it was because the baby cried a lot and he needed to rest. Then it was a blog post I wrote. Then it was a relationship book he found which I bought. Then I was in love with another man and used him for a baby. Then he was unsure because of something I said. Then it was because I'd never loved him. Then it was because I was angry and hurt then it was because I was a control freak and arrogant.  Through all of this back and forth, whenever I've pulled away and began to feel better about myself. When I've come to a place where I felt ok to move on, he would jump back up, I love you. I need you. I want you. I need you in my life. I want to be with you. I care for you. 

I was so desperate at one time. I did all kinds of things to try to make him happy. To try to fix something I never understood I had done wrong. I just wanted the love and the family he promised me. I didn't want to be a single parent. And I tried as hard as I could to make everything ok. None of this worked or was good enough for him. Whenever I cleared up one issue or tried my best to show him that what he thought wasn't true, something else would pop up. Something that I yet again just didn't understand. Something that I couldn't fix. 

I always felt as though I were an after thought to him. Other people seemed to be more important to him than me and our child. He abandoned us emotionally and physically then tried to place the blame on me. He behaved as though I'd done something to him. I felt so lost and confused and desperate. I cried most of the time. I had no idea what to think. I felt like I was insane. I tried so hard to get back to the way things used to be with us. During the time when he adored me and thought I was so great. I couldn't understand what I'd done. How could my behavior had been so bad that he would just up and leave? That he would just take away the love that he promised me.