I never had a relationship like this.  You do not make me a part of your life.  I haven't met your friends.  I haven't met your family.  I've been to your home once.  You show up.  You are around and then you go away.  I have no idea what this means.  I feel stupid for making the decisions I've made.  I feel like an idiot.  I know this is a mistake but, I'm not certain what to do about this.

I am pregnant.  I can't believe that I did this.  You told me you were ready for a family.  For a child.  For commitment, for a life together.  When I tell you we should wait, we should take time to continue getting to know one another you tell me, "you play games.  You say you are ready for a child and a family but you are not.  I want my first child by next year.  I am ready to be a father".  

I allow the excitement of a child to get the better of me and I consent.  I go along with what you've asked because I want a child.  I want a family.  I want a relationship.  I want a commitment and you've promised all of this to me.

But now, I am pregnant.  I am 15 weeks along and laying on my bed, alone.  I have been alone all of this week.  I am too embarrassed to let anyone I know know about this.  I am shameful of the fact that I've waited until I am thirty years old to make a stupid life mistake.  So, I sit alone, sad while everyone I know probably thinks we are off somewhere being madly in love.

I tell you.  I need you to be around more often.  We are having a baby.  We planned this baby but I'm by myself all of the time. I don't feel as though you are part of my life.  I don't feel as though I am part of your life.  Your response to me is, "don't worry.  I'll be around more after the baby is born.  I'll be there for you and for the baby."  I remind you that this is five months in the making.  "Are you asking me to wait five months for you to become involved in my life?  Why did you want to have a child with me?  Do you want to be with me?  Do you want this baby?" You respond. "Why are you saying that?  Did I say that?  Did I say that to you?" I say, "what do you think that says to me?  You want me to wait until after the baby is born?" You reiterate, "I will be there for you and the baby after the baby is born."  I sit and cry.  I wonder why I made this decision.  I am confused.  I am wondering.  I consider an abortion, I research this.  When I let you know my decision four days later, your response is, "you're a phony, you never loved the baby."  This makes me sad because I do love my baby.  I don't want to be a single parent.  I didn't wait this long in my life to have a child on my own.  You tell me to stop being a baby.  I'm devastated by your words.  My phone rings.  I answer, the person hangs up.  It is the first call of many which will take place over the next three months.