So, I begin

As my life is in transition, I need an outlet, a forum where I can release. I am healing. I am a work in progress. I'm attempting to drudge through my stuff. Hoping to usher healing and whole ness into my life. I am reaching for my higher level. Trying to evolve past that which has been a constant in my life. I want to be healed. I want to be whole. I need to start a new.

I'm trying to make sense of that which does not make sense to me. Try as I might, and believe me, I've tried, I just do not understand. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I feel angry. Sometimes I feel sad. More often than not, I just do not understand.

I feel as though a large portion of the last few years of my life have been a lie. As though I was tricked into this situation. This is what I wanted, I wanted it for years but when it showed up, it wasn't the right time. It wasn't the right person. This wasn't the right thing.

I never understood really why the things that were said were said. Why the things that were done were done. Why so much more respect was shown to others than to me. I don't understand why my requests were answered with such negativity, if they were answered at all. I don't understand why I was ignored. Why no conversation ever took place, why things were left to die as they were.

I am left with the feeling of regret. Left with the task of raising a child alone. Left with so many questions, so many things I just don't get.

Why did you say the things you said to me? Why were my child and I not important enough to you to make more of an effort?

I know that the only way forward is to let go, to resolve, to heal, to grow. I need and want to be open, to see beyond what I am supposed to see. To move past this pain that keeps resurfacing, which just sits for hours, for days.

So here I will write. I will learn. I will heal. I will resurface.