The Story of Us

While traveling through life, we each create our own stories.  We tell these to ourselves and others.  In these stories, we case ourselves as the victim, hero or heroine, the jester, wherever we see ourselves at the time.  When involving others in our lives and ulitmately in our stories, we have a tendency to get wrapped up in the events of the moment and easily lose ourselves.

I was speaking to a dear friend of mine, one who I love dearly but with whom I don't get a chance to speak with regularly, the story of life, work, errands, etc. that wraps us up in day to day life and she said something so profound, Something that I think I've known but I've allowed myself to forget overthe years  and through the course of happenings.  She says, "you wanted the baby more than the man."  Now, in the beginning, I did want the man.  I adored him but, once I truly saw the man, once I heard the things that came from his mouth, the way we truly interacted, I saw that which I did not want.  I no longer wanted him.  I admittedly rushed into this situation.  I was so caught up in my story, at the time, I allowed the words of others to dictate my life.  By the time I truly saw what I was a part of, my child was already on her way.  I allowed fear, and prodding of certain family members, to convince me to stay, to try and try and try.  But I knew, early on that he was not for me. He said the things I wanted to hear.  Things I'd never heard from anyone before so, I convinced myself it had to be good and true and real.   I began to live the story rather than the truth.  I allowed the story and fear of being alone, of being a statistic, another, single, black mother, (and fat on top of all of that) to lead my thoughts and eventually my feelings.  But truth and sincerity say and said over and over, this is not it.  HE is not the ONE.

I wanted him to be.  When he was kind and loving, he was absolutely awesome.  He would say the most beautiful things to me, look at me with such love and intensity and make love with me like no one ever before.  There was a time when I felt so safe with him. But those moments of disagreement, of a clash of thoughts were horrid.  They would last for days and weeks.  The criticism, the nitpicking, the lying, the cheating, the words, the words! The disappearances, the not knowing and uncertainty, it was all too much for me.  I knew and know that I am a better person without him.  I feel better about myself.  I feel like me, something I've never felt in his presence.  I don't feel guarded or as though I have to watch everything that comes out of my mouth.

In short, I allowed fear, fear of being alone with a child to dictate my actions.  It lead me to anger, upset and admittedly, desparation, almost anything to maintain the image of my life I held in my
head.  The story we create can be a very dangerous thing.  I decided to just let go.  I am living in my truth as best I can.  Does that mean I will not get sad or upset at times? No  Does it mean I will not have all the feelings we as humans can experience?  Of course not.  It does mean that I will stay true to myself and react to things accordingly, as only I can.  I will take the time to process my thoughts and emotions and operate out of a place of self truth and universal love.  It means that the old me, that other portion of me must learn to release and let go.  She cant get caught up in the thought, it the story of us but live in the reality, and accept what life is giving me.  This is the only way that I can live and the only way I intend to live.