I resent the fact that you feel all I do is play with babies.  I'm a grown woman.  I have a successful carreer.  I made the decision to stay home with my child because I know this is the only child I will ever have.  I know that this time is precious and I want to experience it.  I want to savor it.  I know this will be hard.  But, you ridicule me.  You act as though my decision was stupid.  You remind me of this each chance you get.

I know this is wrong.  I know what love should be and this is not it.  I don't know how to get the love I want.  I ask for it,

"Do you love me?"
"Stop asking stupid questions."
"I'm asking because you aren't here and sometimes you get so angry at me.  I don't understand it.  If you love me, why do you tell me to get out?  Why don't you live with us?  Why aren't you around more?"
"I get angry because you ask stupid questions.  You don't even realize how stupid the shit you say is.  Who pays your rent so you can sit around all day?  I do.  Leave me alone with this bullshit."
"My feelings are not bullshit."
"Look, I have shit to do.  I don't have time to do this every few days.  You're never happy, you're never satisfied.  Good bye.  Leave me alone".

Three days later you come in the house and say I always have an attitude when you come around.  I never greet you with a hug and kiss at the door.  I always behave as though something is wrong.  What did you just tell me the other day?  I answer.  Oh please, you're still mad over that?  You hold a grudge, you're such a baby.  You leave.  I don't see you for five days.

In between the days I see you I receive via text,

"hey"
"miss you :-*"
"I'm so happy you're a part of my life"

None of this means anything to me.  How could it?  In a few days, you will call me stupid and dumb. You will say I'm controlling and ignorant.  You will curse me and kick me out of the house.  Then you will try to kiss me or fuck me and when I don't want to, you will accuse me of being in love with another man.  Someone who I haven't seen or spoken to in years.

I ask that we break up.  This isn't working.  I'm miserable.  I spend the majority of my evenings crying, lonely and sad.  I can't for the life of me understand why the man who claims to love me more than anything in the world can't come home to me and our child.  I can't understand why I am called names, told to get out and left for days at a time.  None of this makes any sense to me.  But I remain because I am hopeful things will get better.  I am hopeful it will improve and we will eventually have the life we planned.